COUNSELING AND CONSULTATION
ASSOCIATES, INC.COUNSELING AND CONSULTATION
ASSOCIATES, INC.
Phillip L. Blansett, Ph.D.
Stephanie S. Blansett, R.N., C
2176 North Mount Juliet Road, Suite 201
Mount Juliet, Tennessee 37122-3070
(615) 758-7568
Website: serve.com/Blansett
Email: Blansett@mail.datarealm.com
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Neighbors Helping Neighbors in Parenting
by
Phillip L. Blansett, Ph.D.
GROWING UP is a phrase we often use regarding children. Children are supposed to "grow up". As parents, we are their assistants in the process. But while our children "grow up", often we parents stagnate. Often techniques parents use in raising their adolescents are the same that were used when the teen was a toddler. Some of the techniques can reasonably remain the same, but how they are applied should change as the child gets older. "Time Out", "Grounding", "Fines", "Extra Chores", "Loss of Property or Privileges", even "Spanking" can begin early in the child's life and remain reasonable behavioral management tools throughout the time the child remains a minor at home. But which tool is chosen, how its chosen, when and how its applied should change, and often doesn't, as the child grows up. So many parents remain "stuck", forever using the same tools, or throwing some tools out arbitrarily. I've embraced a statement that says: "As a parent, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to bring my child to safe, responsible and capable adulthood." I throw no tools out, but as the child grows and gains experience, I modify how I choose the tool, and how I use it. Parents often see things in sharp contrast, either right or wrong, either being totally in charge or walking away altogether. Whether it is cooking a cake or repairing a car, or parenting a growing child, one principle guides all situations: Use the Technique that is most appropriate and does the best job. As the child "grows up" have a dialogue, a conversation about which consequences for misbehavior would be most appropriate for which offense. Often parents and children adopt the "ostrich" approach. "Perhaps if we don't bring it up it will go away." Children aren't likely to be the ones to bring up how they will be punished for misbehaving this way or that way in the future. Many parents don't bring it up either, or if they do, fail to discuss it in a matter of fact way. I can tell you exactly what the fine is that I would expect to pay if I ran a red light while driving through Mount Juliet. As an adult, I can tell you not only the fine, but also its effect on my insurance rates, and any other residual effects. But parents often punish their children arbitrarily and inconsistently. Why not give to your children the same respect and courtesy given to adult citizens. Discuss with your child behavior that you believe needs changing. Ask for his input into the consequences that he believes are reasonable if the behavior isn't changed. Ask for a range of three or four consequences he agrees to accept and which he sees as reasonable, realizing that you remain the ultimate decision maker and implementor of consequences, including one you choose that perhaps never crossed his mind. That conversation, itself, if undertaken in a matter of fact, non-threatening or shaming way, can cause behavioral change. The child can feel supported, and know that you have listened to his concerns, even though you may decide that he still deserves a swat rather than a sweet as he might have suggested. And what about that telephone in the child's room? Why in the world would a parent ever think that was a good idea?
Next week we'll continue to examine how neighbors can help neighbors in parenting.
Dr. Phillip Blansett is a psychotherapist in private practice in Nashville and West Wilson County.
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