COUNSELING AND CONSULTATION ASSOCIATES, INC.COUNSELING AND CONSULTATION ASSOCIATES, INC.
Phillip L. Blansett, Ph.D.
1621 Eagle Trace Drive
Mount Juliet, Tennessee 37122-7428
(615) 758-7568
Website: http://DrBlansett.com
Email: DrBlansett@DrBlansett.com
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Neighbors Helping Neighbors in Parenting
by
Phillip L. Blansett, Ph.D.
We counselors spend quite some time looking into the "origins of behavior" or the "causes of behavior". That is certainly an interesting topic, but when the child is running into the street in front of a fast moving cement truck it is of little value to wonder "When did Bobby decide he could disobey me?". Yet when I see members of the family in counseling, that is often the over riding consideration. Not so much "How can I be part of the solution?" but "What did I do wrong?" or more often "Please don't blame me." As a therapist, I've learned to adopt what I like to call the Star Wars approach. I think they really did it right. The "Story" came first, and then they presented the "Prequel". That makes more sense in counseling, although it frustrates parents and family members, sometimes. First we stabilize the situation. If the patient is having panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, or depression, we ignore the pleas of "How am I to blame?" or "What caused this?". We work to stabilize the patient. Sometimes we can do that with cognitive therapy or other psychotherapeutic approaches, and sometimes it requires the intervention of medication. Then, after the patient is stabilized, we can begin looking at the "etiology" or causes and beginnings. Parents can, and some actually do, follow the same pattern. A child does something that displeases the parent, and the parent intervenes, either teaching, punishing, administering or allowing the situation to administer consequences. Where the ball often gets dropped is in failing to explore phase two: what was the purpose of the misbehavior. Take some time now, parents, to inventory your methods of teaching your child how to appropriately express anger, disappointment, and pleasure with authorities. You are the most significant authority in your child's life. Imagine how could it be, if a child is never allowed to express anger and disappointment toward you, that the child could ever learn to express it toward lesser authorities such as school teachers, employees or their spouses. I say spouses because our country long ago moved from one person one spouse into having multiple spouses, although having them at the same time is still against the law. Not that "Being Against The Law" has much of a standing these days. Not learning conflict resolution as a child at home, children are now growing up and acquiring a spouse, they experience conflict, split with the spouse and either get another one or give up on the idea. All across the country this month "Parenting Classes" are being held. How else can you learn how to understand the purpose of misbehavior, how to choose and then allow consequences to change behavior, while still allowing the family to be an active "Laboratory for Life" for children. Conceiving children doesn't require a lot of practice or understanding. Raising them in our complex times does.
Next week we'll continue to examine how neighbors can help neighbors in parenting.
Dr. Phillip Blansett is a psychotherapist in private practice in Nashville and West Wilson County.
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