COUNSELING AND CONSULTATION ASSOCIATES, INC.COUNSELING AND CONSULTATION ASSOCIATES, INC.
Phillip L. Blansett, Ph.D.
1621 Eagle Trace Drive
Mount Juliet, Tennessee 37122-7428
(615) 758-7568
Website: http://DrBlansett.com
Email: DrBlansett@DrBlansett.com
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Neighbors Helping Neighbors in Parenting
by
Phillip L. Blansett, Ph.D.
We parents home school our children. It doesn't matter that we send them to public school or private school, those schools only teach your child 180 days a year. That's only half of a year, and only for five of the 24-hours of each of those days. You do the rest. Oh, and, really, you teach them even during those so-called school days. You teach them about how committed YOU are to education, and specifically to THEIR education. You teach them about personal responsibility in accomplishing the tasks assigned to them. And while we intentionally teach them, we also train them in some very unintentional ways. For instance, we unintentionally train our children not to believe us when we fail to follow through every time. Did you notice I said "Every Time."? Its true. I see children in my office whose parents bring them for the purpose of dealing with a lying problem. "He is always lying to me." the parent is often heard to say. "I don't know why, since I catch him every time!" Well, upon examination, more often than not, we discover that, at least from the child's perspective, he gets away with lying. Sure, he may get caught, but when playing the odds he is convinced that he has at least a 50-50 chance of having the lie believed, at least for a little while, putting the consequences off into the future. So while he may not actually get completely away with the lie, he gets at least a partial "win" from his perspective when the lie pushes any consequence into the future. Add to that the willingness of so many parents to "blow it off" if the lie occurred in the past, in which case the child does escape consequences completely. Of course lying is more often than not seen by the parent as a direct assault on his or her own authority. "You lied to me!" is the most frequently heard parental statement. The child is seen as having "done something" to the parent rather than having employed an improper coping mechanism. The issue in lying is more complex than just a simple deception of the parents. Questions of why the child avoids taking responsibility for his actions, or why the child is hesitant to be open and honest with his parent, or why a fantasy world is more appealing than the real world are the real questions that beg for answers. Rarely is the child "doing something to the parent". More often than not, the child is trying to make his way in life using the best tools he thinks he has at his disposal. We encourage behavior either intentionally or unintentionally. This article began by disclosing how we unintentionally train our children not to believe us when we fail to follow through every time. Failing to follow through even once gives a child the hope that you've started a whole new pattern and trend.
Next week we'll continue to examine how neighbors can help neighbors in parenting.
Dr. Phillip Blansett is a psychotherapist in private practice in Nashville and West Wilson County.
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